Confessions of a not super mom.

Soooooo.....this post might be a little scattered and spastic at times. My punctuation might become lacking (or simply start that way) and I hope you will forgive me. I'm going to take a lot of freedom to share here because I am preeeeeeeeeeeetty sure there are not a lot of people who read this...and those who do, bear with me. :)

Let me start with: I have a phenomenal husband (he's human and broken but he loves Jesus first and then myself and the boys.) I have three beautiful boys, I am so thankful God has entrusted them into our care and that we get to be the ones to raise them up. My quiver is full. :) There is a little saying that goes, if you think my hands are full you should see my heart. Yup!

Over the last couple of years there has been some confusion over myself and the use of the term "super mom." I have been accused (cannot think of the right word to use here...) of not getting angry, sad, or frustrated. There have been times in my life where I have felt unable to be sad, that even though I felt it I would be doing a disservice to those around me should I show it. I remember people saying to me over the last 15 years or so that they can't imagine me sad or angry. I do not think I need to walk around crying and screaming at people to get my point across, but it feels weird to hear these things. Someone who I love told me just yesterday that she couldn't imagine me feeling either of those emotions.

Those of you who have walked with Ryan and I over the last ten years know that we have had our own frustrations. My heart has broken watching my husband work incredibly hard to take care of our family, start a new career path at 30 and continue to believe that God would use him. We have moved so many times I get confused thinking about it, especially when I'm tired... I am fiercely protective of my husband and whenever there is even the possibility of my husband being hurt my hackles go up and I'm immediately on the defense. I cannot imagine why anyone would try to hurt him. Ryan is one of the hardest working people I know, amazingly loyal and has the most beautiful heart I have ever come across. I'm completely blessed by that man and am so thankful that God created him just for me. That being said we are still human, we still sin, and I very often fall short of the grace God has given me.

Ryne, Rytan and Rygby. Say that three times fast when you are tired, hungry and in desperate need of a nap. Or at least another cup of coffee. Three amazingly wonderful little boys. Rygby has only been in our life for just over two months and it's amazing how quickly he has engrained himself in our lives. Our family is complete (we really are NOT having more kids unless God decides otherwise...) Ryne will be five in October and Rytan is turning three in just a couple of weeks!! Our life is flying by and I'm blown away by it. The oldest two are incredibly spirited little boys, full of enthusiasm for life and a determination to do things in their own way. They keep me on my toes, remind me to relax, and embrace all that they are and who God has made them. I'm so looking forward to watching all three of them becoming young men. I struggle. I fail as a mom daily. I get upset with them when they are simply learning about life and being completely normal kids. I need to slow down more. I need to embrace the innocence of who they are more. I need to pray more! For them, for their future spouses, for their teenage years (completely horrified by those years already), for their friends. I cannot take out my frustrations in life on them. And sometimes...when I'm tired...I do.

There are some days where I feel like a phenomenally awful mom, a crappy wife and a person with no direction or purpose. I get angry and don't know what to do with it. I like to think that I'm a good listener (I really do hope I am), I love being able to walk with people through life and their highs and lows. But sometimes when I have quite a few people share with me at the same time (I'm SO thankful for people's confidence in me) and my heart gets heavy and I don't always know how to deal with it. I pray and do my best to hand it over to God and walk away. But it can be difficult. Sometimes I let other peoples problems get the better of me. Please don't hear this as me not wanting to hear what is going on in your life...because I totally do!!! But know that from now on I'm going to pray with people a lot more, while I'm sitting with you. Mostly because I need to. ;)

So that's about it...I'm trying, I fail. I love, but not always well. I'm broken, but God is healing those hurts. I'm a sinner, but He has forgiven me.

For who is God, but the Lord?
And who is a rock, except our God--
the God who equipped me with strength
and made my way blameless.
Psalm 18:31

The Lord is gracious and merciful,
slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.
Psalm 145:8

We got to go to one of our favorite places last weekend, Joseph, Oregon. It's beautiful. Pictures don't do it any kind of justice. If you have the opportunity to go there, take it!! And go to Arrowhead chocolate shop...get a dark chocolate mocha. They give you a spoon smothered in chocolate!! SO GOOD. Below are a few pics of the boys enjoying the cabin, the first two are from Greybull, but Ry was hosing down the end of a fire and the big boys got all excited and ran around (mostly) nudie for a bit. It was hysterical. A super relaxing time, we simply enjoyed being up there, except for the allergies. ;)